Chain snatchers and giant broads – The 4th Annual White Elephant Blogathon

This is my second year participating the White Elephant Blogathon; my experience last year was so enjoyable (by which I mean utter dismay) that I quickly signed up for another year of service. If you’re new to this, basically we all throw movies into a hat, draw a title from said hat and write a review about it. Usually we go for some awful movies and just try to make the best of it. This year I drew Attack of the 50 Foot Woman (a la 1958 version)… all I can say is whoever threw this name into the pot has to be godless and cruel.

When I first saw the notice informing me of my lot, I said “Hell, this ain’t so bad… might even be fun!” What the fuck was I thinking?

The story opens up simply enough: douchebag TV anchorman reports that a “fireball” has been spotted in several locations all over the world, listing countries and last known sitings. Using what can only be described as… well, just plain movie bullshit, he predicts that this fireball should be over California any minute. And he’s right. How is that possible when in 2010 I can’t even get an accurate ETA on normal things – like an airline flight – or whether my Domino’s delivery (using their so-called pizza tracker) is actually en route or is it still in the oven? Madness.

Well the world’s most predictable UFO hovers in the Cali desert highway until our slightly inebriated and waaaay crazy heroine Nancy if forced off the road by it and sits in her car, screaming hysterically. Err, drive bitch! After a few minutes of inane shrieks, her brain turns on and she runs back to town for help. Later, it will dawn on me that the town is ridiculously far from where she abandoned her car, and there’s no way she could have moved so fast back to town.

Side note: Our girl Nancy is rich. I’m talking retarded money, son. She has a diamond the size of a pocket watch around her neck.

Nancy brings her crazy ass back, telling the sheriff what she saw and begging for her husband Harry who, busy plotting with his new lover named Honey on how to steal his wife’s money, does not want to be found. Because Nancy’s rich, the sheriff and his moron of a deputy – serving as comedy relief in a movie that is, well, a comedy – have to take her back out into the desert to find the UFO. Long story short, they don’t and Nancy goes home and is drugged to sleep by her hubby, but not before telling him that she thinks the alien was after the diamond she wears around her neck. Yes, our alien came to earth to steal chains. If he was smart, he should have waited till the late 80′s to hit up an Eric B. and Rakim concert.

Another side note: Either Nancy’s got a crazy nice rack, or I’ve had too many Coronas.

Taunted by our douchebag TV anchor, Nancy goes back out to the desert in search of her UFO, this time with Harry in tow. When they finally find the UFO after searching all day, Nancy inexplicably hops out of the car and charges at the craft screaming until what looks like a cross between a pedophile and Christopher Lloyd opens up, again reaching out for her diamond. While she crazily fires shots into the thing, Harry abandons her, running back to town to pack his belongings. The police stop him and hold him for questioning until word comes that Nancy’s turned up… passed out on the poolhouse. Wounded and unconscious, is in need of treatment. Harry, saved by a crappy alibi from his lover Honey hatches a new plan – to kill Nancy using an overdose of her medication. Harry sneaks into the room, only to discover his wife is now more than just a bitch… she’s a huge one.

The Sheriff and the butler… yes the butler, go tracking the giant footprints back to the ship, where they discover that the diamonds our UFO have been stealing are power sources for his ship. And here I thought he was just trying to get his swag up. I will admit though, there is a cool shot where their faces are distorted in the crystal globes. But that’s it. The rest of this movie sucks, emphasized by our alien’s crappy brawl with the men when they try and steal his ice.

The movie pushes towards its conclusion when giant Nancy wakes up (paper-mache made hands and all), screaming for her husband Harry, who again is nowhere to be found. She literally busts out of the house, with a doctor screaming “More morphine!” Hilarious.  Nancy goes to Tony’s Club, where she knows her husband is doing some serious womanizing.

Final side note: No, I'm not drunk. Nancy's rack is outta control. It's almost as crazy as she is.

Nancy pulls some classic jilted wife moves here – destroying public property and searching hotel rooms for Harry while he hides like a little bitch. She tears the roof off the club – literally – and kills Harry’s lover Honey with a support beam she holds like a damn Slim-Jim. Then she drags Harry out, trying to carry him off. Just when she was about to break him off a piece (or just break him), leave it to Sheriff cock block to come in shooting, blowing up the transformer in the electrical tower, killing both Nancy and Harry in the process.

Oh, and then everyone just walks away. Because stuff like this just happens all the time out in Cali.

Is there a moral here? Probably, but I can’t seem to find it.